I Hate That Groundhog
by got2BaBabeFan
Summary: This is a really silly story, no real point or plot. I do have to give you a warning - no eating or drinking is suggested and you may need a tissue to mop the tears. I hope you all enjoy - fourth story in my holiday series. Some language. Hope you all enjoy.


Disclaimer: Not mine

AN: A guest reviewer stated they were hoping for a Lula-Groundhog Day Story. I liked that idea a lot. Especially snowed in today, I work from home but my husband works for the federal government and they closed their offices in the area today as well as all the schools. It's ugly and I hate that little fur ball. That being said, this story turned into something other I had intended. Once I started typing this is what came out.

Warning: Don't blame me if you wet yourself.

* * *

It was a cold and snowy morning in Trenton, and I didn't want to get out of bed. Honestly, who would when you can cuddle with the Cuban Sex God? Ranger always gave off a lot of heat and in this nasty weather who wouldn't want to feel that skin to skin. I didn't really want to get up but I had to know if the cute little groundhog saw his shadow. Gobbler's Knob is about five hours from Trenton and I've never had the chance to go for the festivities. I don't like the cold much, I prefer the beach. Anyway, I needed to know because Lula's mood could be directly correlated to what the groundhog saw today.

I slid out of bed and heard "Babe, where are you going?"

"I need to know if Phil saw his shadow this morning." I said.

"Babe, we have six more weeks of winter whether he sees his shadow or not. I don't know why everyone gets so crazy about it," Ranger calmly stated.

"Ranger, he's cute, furry and cuddly. Besides I need to know what I have to deal with when Lula gets to the Bonds Office."

Ranger got up and made his way to the living room to turn on the TV while I answered nature's call. We watched the Weather Channel who was broadcasting live as the sweet little groundhog slowly made his was out into the crowd and got scared by his shadow.

I sighed and Ranger said "Babe?"

"Lula will be in one of her moods today. I better buy extra donuts," I glumly stated.

Ranger and I had one of our steamy showers. It was very enjoyable and we stumbled out of the apartment a couple of hours later. "Babe, you're a bad influence. I missed the morning meeting today."

"Ranger, it's not my fault you had to show me once again that you had no shrinkage from yesterday," I giggled. "Do you want to come to the office and save me from the Wild Lula?"

He smirked "I think I better because Tank had to work last night when Slick was too sick to stay on monitors. He has the flu according to Bobby. He had Ella bring Lysol down to wipe the entire surface of the monitor station down to keep the spread of germs to a minimum."

We climbed into the Cayenne and he soon parked in front of the Tasty Pastry. I had texted Connie already and she asked me to get coffee too as we were out. Vinnie was bringing a can in after he bonds some scum bag out. Ranger grabbed my arm and pulled a fifty off the roll from his pocket. He handed me the bill. "I have my own money," I huffed.

He gave me one of his full wattage grins, "Babe, I take care of my woman. I can't have you wasting away when Lula eats all the donuts. Get four dozen that way everyone has their own box." I did my impression of a fish. Ranger never says stuff like that. I mean he always wants me to eat healthier. "You're going to need the donuts to keep your strength up tonight Babe."

Holy Hot Flash. Damn, that man can make my panties damp. I heard him chuckle, "Out loud?"

"Yeah, out loud. Get me a toasted bagel and a cup of hot tea. There's no coffee at the office."

How the heck did he know that? He couldn't have seen Connie's text when his eyes were on the road. I strolled into the bakery and waited in line until Marjorie Landeau said "What'll it be?"

I ordered three dozen assorted donuts. I had jelly, chocolate glazed, plain, glazed, chocolate, strawberry and vanilla frosted with sprinkles, chocolate frosting filled, powdered sugar, cinnamon and blueberry cake. There was also a whole dozen of Boston Cream. I got Ranger a plan toasted bagel with low fat cream cheese lightly spread on it. I ordered four extra-large coffees with cream and sugar along with Ranger's hot green tea. At the last minute I added half a dozen chocolate black and white cookies.

As I was paying for my bounty I heard that horrible voice, "You. You led my poor little Joseph astray and broke his heart. Everyone stand back so I can put the eye on the hussy," Grandma Bella dramatically stated.

I turned and said "Honestly, you're going to go with me leading him astray and breaking his heart. The same Joseph Anthony Morelli who has had sex with at least half the women in New Jersey. I mean it's not like he was ever serious about marrying me. He never bought a ring and now he's happily married to the former Sister Mary Katherine. You know the virginal nun who's no longer a virgin. Isn't she due in about six months? We only broke up two months ago and they've only been married for three weeks."

I heard the entire bakery suck in a breath. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ranger had walked in. That's what I loved about him, he always had my back. "Everything okay Babe?"

I smiled brightly as I watched Bella straighten her back and thrust her shoulders back. "You," she said again, dramatically, as she glared at Ranger, "You took her away from my poor baby Joseph. I give you the eye."

I watched Ranger look at her with his glare. You know the one that makes hardened criminals wet themselves. I watched Bella shrink, shudder and stumble back. Then I heard Ranger say in his whisper soft, menacing voice "You might want to rethink that. Nobody disrespects Stephanie. She didn't do anything to your grandson. He's the one who couldn't keep it in his pants. You should be happy. You never wanted him to marry Stephanie now he's married to a good little Italian Catholic girl. She stays home and cleans, has no opinions of her own and is going to have the next generation of Morelli's to terrorize the Burg. Now, stay away from Stephanie or you'll find out why some of the most vicious drug lords in the world fear me."

Everyone had stopped talking so they heard everything that he said. I watched as Bella turned white. That was something to see considering she had that dark Mediterranean complexion. "I…I…I'm sorry Stephanie," she said as she walked up to the counter and demanded an Almond Coffee Cake, the one in the front that had the most almonds and chocolate drizzle.

Isabella and Aldo Costa, the owners of the bakery, came over and told Marjorie it was on the house. They were impressed with how Ranger and I handled Bella and enjoyed watching someone best her. Everyone was terrified of her and she used it to get her way and she always got free food or discounts. I handed Ranger back the fifty he gave me. He carried the donuts while I had the coffees. We climbed in and burst into laughter. I heard my cell ring and ignored it. We drove down the street and made our way into the Bonds Office.

Connie and Vinnie began clapping when we walked in. "I saw the video," Connie said.

Vinnie was smiling, "I friggin' loved it. Finally someone put that crazy old bag in her place."

We set the coffee, cookies and donuts down. Ranger put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. "Glad everyone enjoyed the show," I said.

Before anyone could respond the front door was thrust open with such force it bounced back and hit Lula in the face. I saw her grab her nose and scream. There was blood oozing between her fingers. Umm… we all just stood there in shock. I watched as tears began to leak from her eyes. Then I heard Vinnie start laughing. "What a friggin' day. Ranger scares Bella and the bull in the china shop broke her own nose." Then he scurried into his office. Ranger followed Vinnie into the office to talk business.

Lula, by now had taken a towel from Connie and after a few minutes her nose stopped bleeding. She wiped her nose with the towel while I called Bobby to stop by and check her nose out. When that was settled, I swear I heard Ranger and Vinnie laughing in the office. It was something so foreign, so wrong. I couldn't fathom it was actually happening.

Lula pouted while Connie and I tried to continue holding in our laughter. By now she was not only humiliated but angry. "It all started with that stupid rodent seeing his goddamn shadow. That creepy little fur ball should be shot. That movie had the right idea. I think we should pull a Bill Murray and kill that groundhog to make it stop happening. Every year he sees his shadow and we get six more weeks of winter. Then I pulled on my favorite lime green spandex skirt and it ripped. I mean who ever saw a spandex seem get busted." By now her arms were flying, nostrils flaring as she continued. "Then the underwire broke in my favorite Victoria's Secret Bombshell bra. I mean those suckers ain't cheap. You'd think that was the worst right but no. It's Screw with Lula Day. I was wearing my favorite orange satin halter top when some guys smokin' outside my apartment building were spittin' tobacco juice into a bottle but they missed when the underwire broke and my boobies popped out. They had the nerve to laugh when the juice landed in my hair and all over my sweater. That shit stains. I had to go back in to shower and change. Then I was wearing my new black skinny jeans with my six inch peep toe boots when I slipped on some ice and landed flat on my back in the snow and ice. Those cheap ass jeans ripped right from vajay-jay straight back to my voluptuous ass. I mean I ain't a ho no more. I had three offers for a night to remember on my way back to the apartment to change again. And, if that ain't bad enough I got snow in my boots and my toes just about fell off." She finally stopped to take a breath and that's when I noticed what she was wearing. We were so busy taking in her story and trying not to laugh we hadn't noticed. I saw Connie take in Lula's attire as I did. She was dressed in what had to be Tank's black sweatshirt and sweatpants. She had paired that outfit with puce suede moccasin boots. They were the most hideous things I'd ever seen. "I haven't had a chance to do laundry so I'm stuck wearing these clothes that Tank left behind." She was working herself up again and she began to cry, "Then I finally made it here after slidin' all over the road only to have that stupid door attack me and break my nose. Then that duck lover laughs at me."

Connie and I could no longer hold it in and we burst out laughing. Connie fell off her chair. I was crying I was laughing so hard. I knew Vinnie had the office bugged so they heard the entire preposterous story. "Lula, how could you make up such a story," I gasped.

I heard her voice quiver and knew I'd made a mistake. "It ain't funny white girl. I'm not makin' none of dis shit up. It all really happened."

I knew I had to make it better, "I'm sorry Lula but seriously who'd believe all that could happen by 10 AM to one person. If it happened to anyone but you, you'd be laughing with us."

I watched her as she sat there and thought about what I said and began to laugh. She laughed so hard that she was rolling on the floor. Connie then showed her the video from the bakery. Knowing that Bella had a worse morning, her words not mine, made her feel better. She then said, "I still hate that groundhog."


End file.
